I Had a very bad day, the other day. Got into an argument with my fiance. Things got really heated. All I want to do is leave, but he doesn’t want to let me go. So I stay. I go to sleep, I get up the next morning, I go to work, I packed some things before I went to work, hid them in the car. I didn’t know if I wanted to go home after work. Did my day. Text him and told him I was gonna be late. Don’t worry about me, but he got mad started texting me back and asking me what was wrong. Why am I doing this? Where you going? how do I know you’re not seeing someone? “Well, if you’ve got to stay away for a while and have to think about us, then you’ve already made your choice.” Then he turns around and says. “I’m going to Have a few drinks and go drive around.” That’s what made me come home. He threatened his life.
I text my mom earlier that day while I was at work, told her to be aware and not answer the phone in case he had called. I got no answer from her until the very next morning. I told her that I was gonna possibly stay at a motel, I don’t know yet. Still, there was no answer from her.
Right then I knew, I was totally alone, my dad has died, my son is clear across the pacific. I can’t talk to anyone. I thought doing a blog would help my depression. I thought, I could be able to talk to people out there with the same scenarios, same issues, same problems, so they wouldn’t feel like they were alone. I’m alone in my own little world. But I know, someone is there somewhere.
You should be able to have someone to go to, someone to talk to, it doesn’t have to cost you money. Somebody to put a perspective on this situation. Not somebody that’s going to judge. Not somebody that thinks that you need to work it out. “Hang in there, it’ll get better think positive.” No, you need someone that’s going to be there for you. Listen to you. If you don’t have that. You have just yourself.
I’m sorry but by this point, you think, yourself is the problem. You have things going through your head. All you want to do is scream! You want to yell! You want to find out what’s happening. And why. You want to just go drive yourself into the ocean. When you know what the problem really is. But you can’t control it!
All you can do is just put it in the back of your head, swallow your words. Don’t make a move. That’s All you can do. Your mind is telling you lies. Making you believe it’s ALL your fault. But it’s not all your fault. You need to sit back and breathe and think about what’s happening or why. It will come to you. I do have faith. And so should you. Never give up on your self worth your stronger then you think you are.
Sometimes people start fights. Just to get your attention. Then there is just the argument where, You just want to make things clear because you care. But then that argument turns into provokings. They have nothing to do with what the argument was about. There are lies that are said. Pushing buttons and you start to get angry, and then you start to get physically angry. As a woman, we have so much strength. As a Man, Men can hurt to the break of death. It just takes one wrong move. Either way. It’s called abuse, there’s mental abuse and there is physical abuse. It should never be there. Mental abuse is provoking physical abuse is provoking and dangerous. What do you do? When you have nobody to talk to you? What are you to do?
As soon as I got in my rig that he was not going to let me in after our fight, but I had to go to work the next day, I stopped in the parking lot of my job. I usually go driving but there’s no peace and comfort without the people that used to be where I would drive too. Like a park, near a river, under a bridge. It was my favorite place to be. But I didn’t go. Instead, I sat in my parking lot and read his text messages saying he was so sorry, and that he never meant to hurt me. Yadda yadda yadda.
The message I got from my mom the next day was that she was very sorry things weren’t working out with him and I. But she felt like we could work it out we just needed to work it out like adults. She was never there for me growing up. Was never very comforting. I couldn’t Let her know about my second pregnancy, I couldn’t go to her. The only thing I could do was send her a letter. Anything I had a problem with I had to solve before I could go to her. And maybe that made me a stronger person. But I also had some people that I spoke to, my dad was there at the time. But now he’s not, he passed away, I can’t run to him anymore. I felt protected by him. I felt security with him. He never once criticised or judged, he put a perspective on the situation, he made me think. He was there for me. He allowed me to stay with him until the storm went away. I guess I thought my mom would do the same.
My own mother. Text me back later on. Told her I was home. No other place to go, all she did was text me back and say, well, I’m glad you’re home with emoji smiley face and heart. That was it. I had never felt more alone and had someone that was so cold hearted towards me. It’s made me think twice. About her and I. She wants me to be around for her and be there for her, she don’t need me, she has a marriage with 2 other beautiful girls that are married happy. And financially secure. I am not. And I believe that’s what’s wrong with us. I didn’t live up to her standards.
If you don’t have anybody there for you. Well, here I am. I’m here, I’m listening. Everyone has a purpose in life, everyone has a reason they live in this life. If they feel like they’re in a toxic situation, whatever you do, try to get away. walk away if you can. Don’t stick around to find out what next toxic thing that’s gonna happen, I know when you are at work, it’s kind of hard if you don’t like the situation in your job. Find a way to make it work or find another job. If it’s a relationship that you can’t get out of because your finances are stripped tight, I hate using people. Use them an tell you get back up on your feet and you can afford to get out. If you have to pretend to love this person to get along with this person. Then you have to pretend, but if this person is violent or mentally abuses you, there are women shelters, there are friends like me on the Internet out there, willing to listen, willing to help, maybe even take you in so you can get away. We are out there. You just gotta look hard.
I feel like I’m a pretty strong person. I got myself into a situation where it’s not violent, mentally abusive from time to time, but not violent. I can stick around long enough To get my finances in order. And go from there. You all could do the same. I might be in that state where if I can’t fix my problems, how can I fix yours? That’s the kind of attitude that makes you not want to change things. And or Your at the end of your rope. Or you feel you’re useless, but you can do anything to change a situation and help this situation get better for you, no matter what it is, we are not put on this earth to ignore our survival techniques, we need to use them in order to survive.